20220103 - New Years 2022

 Here I am writing my first post in what, five years, on an account I forgot I had? I had the thought to say people have told me I should write, which is true, but I wrote that in the first post on this blog quite some time ago, so I'll spare it. The big difference this time is some of my friends gifted me a Sony mirrorless camera, so now I have the ability to take decent photos for my writing, my own photography skills being the current limitation. The camera itself is no more challenging to use than any other, but it is still a new device to me and so are the mechanical concepts behind its' use, so none of the photos I've taken thus far are what I would consider 'good'. They convey an idea, an impression, sometimes a feeling, but are out-of-focus, blurry, and a bit silly looking.

I am focusing on better writing, better flow, better soul. I am open to constructive criticism on my writing, if you feel the desire to say something.

-cycling-

I've done a great deal of riding since I've last written. I posted some thoughts from a few tours on a blog I have *somewhere*, but even that was about six years ago. I've grown a bit since then, riding sometimes on a daily basis, and changing 'as a cyclist', as it were, from a man who dislikes climbs to one who actively seeks them out.

On my last tour a bit over a month ago I rode from LA to Lone Pine for 247 miles or so, slept, climbed Onion Valley Road, camped in Alabama Hills with new friends, climbed spectacular Horseshoe Meadows Road, camped in Alabama Hills again, and finished the trip by riding up Whitney Portal and returning to LA that day, 240 miles or so back. Three of the biggest Sierra road climbs in one shot, no car, just bike.

Prior to this trip, which I might add wasn't a plan for more than a week prior, I rode up to Santa Cruz to see family and ride further. I met very strong headwinds going north along the coast, as is sometimes the case, and was slowed to 3mph at times, which at times made me feel very strong, other times deafened and demotivated. Five days or so of a crawling pace covering ground I've done in two. When I got to my sister's house, I ended up staying for a week and letting go of some things inside I had held for months. I had recently broken up with my girlfriend at the time, and we had been together for a few years.

I am in my mid-30's now, and I have had a few significant relationships in my life. I have ended a few and have had a few ended for me. I have changed my life more times than I thought would happen, restarted, been here and there, pushed beyond different limits, and at the risk of sounding cliché would say I've learned a lot about myself but really I think I've learned about being human. Cycling is therapy for me like climbing used to be, more accessible but less intense. I've ridden through thoughts that dragged me deep into darkness and some that carried me up into strength above the clouds. The deeper levels where the light is scarce are part of dealing with the end of love, of that deep connection with someone you know so deeply. 'Breaking' that connection, or perhaps disconnecting it in our ways with their tendrils slowly uncurling and stretching to infinity between the two people takes time, discipline, understanding, pain. I am more loving to others and myself in this process now than I have been before, more understanding.

While riding back down the coast through Big Sur alone, I had some help from a friend, and from some mushrooms. My ride started in the day, and I took them at the top of the hill near Posts, overlooking the big downhill that drops you into Big Sur proper, finally free. I would ride through the night to camp south of Cambria. I feel the mushrooms helped me understand some things. It may be challenging to describe this in a way that those who haven't had them can understand. I became clearly aware of how vast time itself is, especially amongst the ancient trees at Rigdon Fountain where I refill my bottles when I ride through, and looking across the endless Pacific Ocean as it meets the continent. I felt as if searching for answers, while a primary concern for us apes, is in some ways perhaps also so small as to barely warrant response from the universe at large. I asked myself, nearly spoken, how much pain someone can take, and how much one can love. The answer was immediate, yet not forced nor assumed, and that answer was that there was no limit. This is the concept of those two things, separate and the same, and nothing at the same time, as all things are, in the endless expanse of our universe. Perhaps I could write more detail on what I felt and thought, but this was several months ago and some of the details have faded, though the lesson remains the same. This helped me greatly, and since then I have felt significantly better. 

The mushrooms slowly wore off as I rode on through the changing light and fog banks into the afternoon, and onward into the evening. Big Sur proper ends at Ragged Point, for just south of this establishment one crosses the Carpoforo Creek and the mountainous twisting nature of Big Sur changes to long straights and gentle moorland as if a switch has been thrown. I was at peace in the dark of the evening when I arrived at the little coffee shop in Ragged Point, and ordered a strong mocha. It was just a little bit before closing time, maybe 2030 hours, and a heavy fog hung around lazily, softening the lights in this sudden mild shock of civilization. I remember feeling distinctly affected, if not perhaps a bit changed, by what I had thought through on this another trip through Big Sur, always with its bounty of insight. I slowly enjoyed my mocha, stretched, filled my bottles, and let myself adjust to the coming change of pace, of reentering civilization.

I have had significant challenges with anger in my life, from within myself, my family, friends, and those I have been very close with. I cannot afford to give anger and hate a place within myself. I cannot find myself angry at another. If I am to survive into what appears to be the surprising possibility of a normal (read: long) life span, I cannot hold onto negativity. I have to let things go. This doesn't mean it is simple or easy, quite on the contrary for some things, such as relationships. I just cannot let it stew within and sour all parts of my mind and soul.

I sometimes think of a military training mindset that states you are the master of your self, your destiny. This requires ownership of self and action, responsibility of all within. I have been thinking on this more lately due to big life changes in 2021. I feel a lot of the weak philosophy being tossed around in recent times does not even acknowledge this mindset, instead telling the user they are a victim and others are to blame for their perceived shortcomings, failures, discomforts, etc. I fear for humanity. I fear this mindset has taken root in too many minds, many of them young, and people give up freedom of self and soul, which I've seen leads some to give up their personal freedoms of the physical sort as well. In the future, only the criminals shall be free, the rebels, the insurgents. They will likely also be branded terrorists as well. I fear a great unfeeling monster will consume all free people, offering comfort and security in trade for autonomy of self and freedom of soul. I can only give in to such a philosophy so much and for so long, and it feels nauseating and morally bankrupt upon first taste. I fear this philosophy will ruin many people's lives, and they will find out only too late how much damage they have let it do by allowing it space in their minds as they become, at times, enthusiastic hosts for the parasite.

It would easily seem I could take this in several directions, a notion you may entertain on your own looking off elsewhere away from the screen as your mind wanders down different paths, but I shall remain on my tiny path. I have no hatred, dislike or distaste for others in general. I am human, one small human, and I cannot hate people for I are one, and being one, I am by no choice of my own subject to experiencing that which makes us so strong and so weak, so intelligent and so impulsive and irrational. Life is a masterclass in the human condition. Attendance is mandatory.

This does not mean you must suffer more, for most suffering is self imposed, more rocks one tosses into their ruck, self imposed exile or solitary confinement in their darker corner of their mind, a place so endless and vast yet one confines themselves to a space too small to sustain life. You are in charge of your mind, yourself. You have a great deal more control over the tides of your mind than conventional wisdom states. The weak philosophy I previously touched on would state this is not the case. Why would one accept into their soul a philosophy which weakens them and makes them dependent upon a mindset that will destroy them? There is no escaping pain, suffering, anger, guilt, all the possible negativities. Suffering is a realization in life itself, as is pain, in the same way love and happiness and joy are. Just as some who are recently heartbroken often say love sucks, because love and hate, pleasure and pain are often of the same being. One cannot have light without darkness, but one can understand the darkness as well as the light and handle it within themselves. This takes strength. It takes strength to understand, to let go, to not lose your temper or blame something or someone else for a moment of weakness. We all fail at times and sometimes hurt others. One must understand this and learn from it, while not destroying themselves in the process. One must also love their soul, which I often refer to in place of the self, for without love for their own soul how can they survive? How can one love others if they cannot love their self? I may not know much, but I do not think it possible.

-soul, healing, existence-

I name this section what I perhaps should've named the previous, a fair trade for a transition before I close my writings up for the night.

I find it nearly impossible to heal and focus, or alternatively in a way to let go, when surrounded by distractions in places such as a city. I tend to call this 'civilization', for this is how I have experienced it. I enjoy a warm shower, warm dry bed, the feeling in my fingers and toes, companionship of friends and family. In a word, comfort, perhaps oversimplified but for this moment it shall have to do. As always I feel one must move beyond 'comfort' to grow in times of challenge. I cannot grow and heal indoors. Perhaps I hope someone is reading this and applies it to their own reality. In the chaos and occasional violence of biological existence, one would do well to ponder, meditate, heal, think, wander inside the great outdoors of their mind. I know mine needs great space to roam.

Be well.

Dec 2

Whenever a shooting occurs, people act surprised that others are capable of such violence. They call for reforms and laws, making it harder for the common person to purchase firearms or go about their daily business due to excessive security constraints. I still find it hard to wrap my mind around why people are surprised at any of this. Just because us humans have our various civilizations does not make us any less animal. We are all still subject to nature. Violence is natural. Our complex social system is reflected in how we act on our violent nature. 

Clearly this is just my opinion, but it would behoove fellow humans to understand how animals are violent, and to train themselves accordingly. You face the very real threat of violence if you meet enough fellow humans in daily interaction. One should train the mind and body to prolong their lifespan. For many, the most obvious path would be to have a pistol, and train with it extensively. It should be an extension of your body. It should be carried naturally and without discomfort, be drawn flawlessly, and shot placement should be absolutely accurate. Carrying a sidearm for defense is an extreme responsibility, one which I think stems from Warrior culture and requires a certain state of mind. I don't believe in all that silly sheepdog internet bullshit, but I do believe that you carry a very heavy responsibility for the outcome of a violent situation if you're carrying a defensive sidearm. I'm not entirely sure many people I know should carry this responsibility. I am not saying they do not deserve the right to self-defense. I do not feel I have the right to state who does and who does not until there is no doubt in my mind.

Instead of hoping, praying, crying on facebook, or other ineffective means of dealing with violence, one should take it in their understanding of reality that humans are animals like any other, and that part of being an animal is the taking of life. If you truly wish to preserve your life, you must invest in training. You may find yourself in a situation someday where you truly need it. You could be completely naked and exposed against a violent threat with no way to shift the odds in your favor, and the only one to blame for your failure is yourself. Whether you like guns or not, they're the most effective means of neutralizing human life person-to-person, so you should familiarize yourself with their use so that you can understand more. If you do not truly understand firearms and their use as weapons from a personal standpoint, your standpoint is without value.

Again, humans are animals and they will kill each other until the entire species ceases to be. I very seriously doubt we will ever stop killing, as we will likely never stop trying to survive. Perhaps the closest we've come to abstaining from violence is reflected in how many Tibetans refuse to engage Chinese physical aggression. This may cost them their existence. Take this into your very being. You can be killed quite easily, and regardless of what you want to think, you can kill much more easily than you think. Keep your face out of your stupid phone, look up, look around, look into people's eyes, observe, understand, smell, listen, think. Stay alert, stay alive.

Time

I've neglected putting my thoughts down for quite a while now. As usual, I will just start talking.

-Yosemite-

Went to Yosemite wit Chris so we could get away from the world and climb whatever we felt like. It was in the 20's in the morning and the 50-60's during the day, cooler in the shade. Short days, though. October is probably my favorite month in Yosemite, as it's a good balance for a hot sweaty nigga like me. Chris slept in a tent and I used a UK issue bivy sack. A tent might've been a good idea, though I don't have one now. I typically use a poncho and bungee cords to rig something up. I plan on fixing his situation soon with a new minimalist tent type deal. I'd like more padding and insulation for my back when sleeping in the same spot for more than 2-3 nights. I'd like to invest in a Kifaru Woobie, which is essentially a modernized high quality poncho liner. I am in many situations where a poncho liner isn't enough warmth to sleep in, but you don't need a sleeping bag.

Trying to improve my approach so that it can be done whether camping near your car, or backpacking. I have a plan rolling around in my head involving solo backpacking. When it will happen, I don't know. It might just be a fantasy.

We went to Swan Slab to show Chris what some of the climbing involved. He did well, and did his first leads by the last day. He climbed Oak Tree Flake and Bay Tree Crack several times. I hope to get hit in the face with rope by him on following him sometime soon.

From there, we went to Manure Pile Buttress. We climbed After Seven to the remaining pitches of After Six. I was not completely back into the climbing here, and nearly fell on After Seven. We raced the setting sun on the following pitches of After Six, where Chris got to be above the trees.

The next day, we climbed the Grack. I enjoy Glacier Point Apron and try to climb there as often as I can, often on variations of the Grack. We brought my 60m dyneema shoelace pullcord, which allowed us to rappel down near Marginal (5.9 R), skipping stations.

I spied a line to climb up from the top of the Grack. I'd like to come back alone sometime and work on it. Goes up flake dihedrals up and right with some good slab here and there. It steepens before going up to Glacier Point.

The next day, we went to Swan Slab to help him begin leading. Then I took us up a line I'd never done before, but always saw. We climbed Grants Crack, and did the 5.6 pitch above the anchor. I stretched the rope out for a full 60m and almost made it to the big ledge for the walk off.

It follows the zigzag above Chris.

Fun and easy, 5.6 or so. I did not stop at the ancient bolt visible above the chimney, but moved up and right a bit.

After this,mwe climbed Munginella. I haven't tried the 5.7 crack on the last pitch yet.

Chris belays me from the ledge while two friendly Canadians head up.

Here be Chris on Bay Tree Crack.

I have some ideas for climbing but am paying more attention to regular life things, trying to improve the situation. Not much on my mind for climbing. Did try some new lines at CL Wall, however.

They didn't go, yet. Might get back to work on them, might not.

Not much more to say tonight. More later.

Oct 29

Some notes from the last trip:

-Bus travel can be uncomfortable, without enough legroom. Rode on a couple different Greyhound buses, and the one with the 'improved legroom' wasn't enough due to my height (6'4"). Needed 3 more inches of room. If traveling by bus again, try to get aisle seat so that you can stretch. Inactivity made knee pain worse, and got jumping legs on the last day. 

-Gas is really cheap in Idaho.

-North 40 is a pretty cool store.

-Everying is cheaper up in Washington. Slower pace of life. More freedom, fewer people. I started to see the real America showing, something I miss. Los Angeles doesn't feel American. Not that it's a bad thing, just not my flavor. Lower population density seems key.

More later

Oct 21 - Lassen County

Taking the 395 north through Lassen County. Some neat rock before we got into Nevada. Mostly rolling hills with the occasional 50ft crag since then. A map board type navigation aide for the codriver would be a great idea for future trips.

Nothing else to report.

Oct 19

I took Justin P. up to CL Wall a few days back and I climbed the pitch above pitch 1 of Clown Syndrome. I bailed from this pitch last time as there was a lot of moss covering important smears and jams, and I wasn't confident I could climb it. I barely cleaned anything off in this ascent. The pitch would probably prove significantly easier if the moss was removed, but since I'm myself, I don't want to kill the moss just to have a pitch of climbing that won't be repeated much, if at all. That moss has been there for so long. A funny thought, seeing as I've done so much bushwhacking and gardening in canyons and elsewhere since I was very young.

The first pitch of Clown Syndrome goes at about 5.7 and ends at a ledge above the small tree. Instead of climbing left to the small ledge, continue directly up the crack to the view in the photo above. The climbing is about 5.8-9 until that little roof on the right. Delicate smears, decent stemming, and odd fingertip jams take you there. I felt the climbing was 5.10 passing the roof, with a 5.9ish second crux above to reach the belay, which is directly above the route on a 6" wide ledge on the left side of the dihedral. A #3 Wild Country Zero placement, a slung block (not 100% solid), and an inverted #3 C4 at your feet. I dare say a bolted anchor would be best. It would eliminate miles of bullshit and prove many times easier and more secure than what I had to do.

I'm not sure what to name it. It could just become the new second part of Clown Syndrome, and have pitch 2 of Clown Syndrome become pitch 2 of Butterface. That pitch sucks anyway. It would seem illogical to name it something else. I don't have a computer handy so I can't do stuff on Mountainproject, so it'll wait.

I also scope out some new routes waiting to be done. One in particular looks impressive and protectable. Starts up loose dirty ground, then you follow a small buttress with a blank looking slab on the right. Protection appears to be the usual tiny cams and nuts. It's very steep, just a little shy of vertical. This will likely be the focus of my next visit.

I went to Joshua Tree for Zach's party this weekend. Had a good time. I miss Zach. I hope we can climb more in the future. He is by far one of the best partners I've ever had. He saved my life once. We've done some really cool shit together. I would like to share a big route with him. 

We climbed on Atlantis Wall, in Hidden Valley. I don't know much about Joshua Tree. I don't know the areas, the climbs, or much of anything. I went offroading there a handful of times as a little kid, but my parents were not outdoors folks in the slightest, so the climbing knowledge would have to wait. I've not really enjoys climbing there in the past, but that is essentially entirely my fault, as usual. It takes me a while to grow and accept realities, like any mind. I personally am completely online with the ground up onsight ethic of climbing prevelant there.

I like to walk up to something, look at it from the ground, figure out what I'll need to protect it, and if I think I can climb it, just go up. I don't want names, ratings, beta, any of that. I want less noise in my head. Climbing for me, I've found, is a way to silence my mind and allow me to finally live. Shut off the doubts and static and move. Nothing else matters but what matters. I've used this ethic in putting up new routes, and I applied it here as well. I climbed the routes on the wall with no consideration towards beta, and I found it so much more enjoyable than being an accountant cubicle human creature mulling over numbers and data. Just climb. You're a good climber and you can do all kinds of things, if you just take that first step. Cast off without knowledge and you will have a real adventure, not something reduced to human gossip and measurements.

The climbing was pretty fun. I enjoyed the horizontal cracks, which made for excellent protection with flexible stem cams. I climbe some 5.9 to the left which I felt was miles easier than the new pitch described earlier in this post. More confusion within the rating scale. It was a fun route, with ok protection and easy reachy moves.

I became frustrated with the anchor situation on top of the wall, where I had to sling a block with someone's cord, which was kinky beyond belief. The cord would get stuck in constrictions around the block, making it impossible to equalize. Had there been another person,vthis wouldn't have been much of an issue. This, coupled with all the people and talking below pushed me over the edge and I lost my temper. I decided to untie, let the rope snake back to the deck, and walk away. I had to go away and take some quiet time. I really can't stand constant talking and lots of people. I compared this to soloing in my head, where you often have complete silence, and often just want someone to talk to. Maybe I'll bring headphones or something to put on when things get too noisy.

I walked off and took my break in some shade. I vented to the earth, nobody to talk to, until I got that out of my system and was able to relax a little. I walked back after 10-15 minutes feeling much better, if a bit embarrassed about my behavior. I'm still learning how to fight the battles within my mind. Obviously this is a never-ending process for all creatures. Overstimulation, compounded by being the guy everyone relies upon to set up routes for everyone to climb. A balance must be found.

That's all for now.

Oct 12 - BBWarz

I participated in Milsim West's The Kazakh Offensive. If you're unfamiliar with airsoft and milsim, a simple explanation is in order. Airsoft is a wargaming platform, much like paintball. The weapons are very close replicas of actual weapons you may already have experience with, and their functionality is often very similar as well. They fire a 6mm plastic BB on average between 300-500fps, and have an average effective range of 100-200ft. Milsim is short for military simulation, and the experience can vary quite a bit. Milsim West is run by a bunch of my friends who have varying degrees of military experience (key being Ranger and Infantry dudes), and the games they put on are the best I've experienced. One must find the balance between simulation and fun in order to keep so many participants from different backgrounds happy. They do an excellent job and I've nothing negative to say about the great memories I've earned from their games, not to mention friends made and memes created.

I filled in the position of a machine gunner in this event. As one of Task Force Privilege Aussie squad 4-1's MG's, I carried a 'Maximi', basically an FN Minimi (M249 SAW) in 7.62 NATO. I don't play often and never had the wherewithal to build a machine gun when I played, so I enjoy this position, having done it once before. I used to run around a lot, so fighting from rooms and fighting positions is a nice change of pace. I've been a gunner once before, and I rather enjoyed being able to lay suppressing fire as well as drill mofos without having to be too conservative with my ammo.

Day one involved setting things up and moving to our first patrol base. The AO (area of operations) was George Air Force Base (now Mojave Auxiliary Field or something) near the dreamy town of Adelanto in the high desert. We had a 2 story structure that I'm assuming was old Air Force housing. We had a Jeep with a .50 cal firing blanks to our east to cover the road approaching from the south, and a buttload of squadies covering every other angle (I hope). Day 1 went by smoothly with nothing crazy to report from my personal experience. We ran a night mission at some point, which was challenging for all involved. Many of our dudes had night vision, but that doesn't always help you see what you're about to step on or fall into, so things were pretty even. I mostly paid attention to where guys were shooting tracers so I could direct my volume of fire onto key positions in an attempt to wax fools. Not sure how well I did.

Fire watch was nice, as we laid down and discussed the evolution of humanity and yeti and shit like that while I scanned the southeast approach with a single tube NOD. Some kid from another platoon on our side got lost, and in the process tossed some flashbangs directly into our position, nailing one of our guys and nearly hitting me as I dove the fuck out of my trash hole, breaking the strap on my G-Shock in the process. Thanks, kid. We grilled him for that. Hopefully he learned.

We ran some patrols and did a little probing the next day. I got zipped a handful of times and I think I waxed some fools, but you can't always tell. I remember lighting up multiple vehicles and watching them completely ignore the large volume of hits and continue driving. Didn't do any hero shit. Opted out of the night mission, as I would've been a mess out there, blind and unable to really engage people in structures with a hot gun (high velocity). I chilled at the patrol base and made sure no Nancies snuck up on us to steal our shit or slash our water supplies. Some ruskie chode was slashing people's water. Not cool out in the desert. We were all chugging tons of water this weekend. Nothing much happened, just a few vehicles rolling by mostly ignoring us.

I mostly fought from the same position the next day, trying to keep fools off our side as we were a bit thin and poorly defended on our northeast side. I zipped Doug from a doorway at some point. My MG's last battery died, and a homie lent me his M320 (single shot 40mm grenade launcher). I had 3 40mm grenades (yes, they go far and go boom), one frag grenade, and two smokes. Despite this, I had a blast cleaning rooms with the boys. I would've had to shoot someone in the chest from about 10ft away with a 40mm.

Later on, I hopped into the Toyota Pickup with an M240 on top with Duckie and we rolled around providing support. I got killed a couple times, being the biggest target on earth, but I also zipped a handful of dudes and also shot a 40mm into a second story window, killing a Russian. The game ended shortly thereafter, and we headed back to the patrol base to clean up. Now I'm back on my ass writing garbage and dreaming of sneaking with an MP5SD6 zippin fools and clearing rooms with way too many grenades.

Adios